Passin' up a ride on the guilt train . . .

Woo hoo! My talk is done and the women were so lovely and gracious. I spoke at the Laurel Community Church MOPS group this morning (mothers of pre schoolers) about mommy guilt and doing battle against it so it doesn't take over our lives. I'm so hopeful that they were encouraged to be more gentle with themselves when they experience feelings of guilt. For any of you interested, here are a few of the more interesting nuggets from the talk. And for my friends who aren't moms, some of this stuff is very applicable to ANY relationship that we might have feelings of guilt (spouses, siblings, parents, friends).

- Guilt is the generic label that we as women apply to the "stew" of our negative feelings. It's much more P.C. to say we feel guilty than to say we are angry, frustrated, confused, discouraged, grieving. These words, especially ones that might convey anger seem to carry a moral and social stigma if you're a mother.

- Calling these feelings guilt shifts the blame to ourselves rather than assigning responsibility to any one else.

- Ask a man about his feelings as a parent and he will rarely use the word guilt. It seems to be a word assigned to women and their relationships with other more than men.

- Women have been made to believe that their significance must come from one line of work or another. Trends in culture, media, and the voices of "child experts" have raised the bar of parenting (or any relationships) to such high levels it's difficult to feel successful and easy to feel guilt.

- The choices we make about big issues can cause us guilt. It's a blessing to have so much information about some of the decisions we face, but along with that can come feelings of doubt and inadequacy when we make decisions that are different than those of our peers.

- There is tremendous pressure that our decisions will make or break our children. Our western culture is very child-centered. Our culture has created an industry on telling mothers what they should do and apportioning blame for when they fail.

My basic advice to these women to fight the guilt?

- Name and own our feelings so the root issues can be dealt with. Why do I feel inadequate? Why am I angry?

- Give up the ideal of being a "Perfect Parent" focus on being a "Good Enough Parent". One that teaches our children that it's OK to make mistakes and models forgiveness.

- Recognize you are different, your kids are different, so your parenting (relationship) experience will be unique. Don't make parenting a competitive sport.

- Reject the conventional wisdom an d stereotypes of stressed-out parenthood. It doesn't have to be that way.

- Realize that kids will most certainly do things we don't want them to do. They come into this world with a little thing called "free will". It's not our job to control them, it's our job to teach them how to make their own good choices.

Over the past 12 years as a parent, I've found myself often drowning in those feelings of guilt that I just wasn't doing enough. With all of the outside voices of the culture we live in and my own insecurities, it's easy to get sucked into that parenting style. One of the things that has really kept me grounded is my faith and the promises that I have from God's word that I AM good enough and the answer isn't always to DO more. I read the moms the verses in Luke 10:38-42, the story of Mary and Martha.

Martha was consumed by the work that had to be done to host Jesus and the disciples at her house. Mary spent her time at the feet of Jesus listening to his teaching. Martha says what is in all of our hearts at one time or another (PARTICULARLY around the holidays), "Lord, don't you care?"

The great news is that he does! He wants to lighten our load, not add to it. A great message for young moms and for anyone.

Thanks to you all for your kind words and encouragement. It was a good morning - and yes - my head cold let go yesterday afternoon so I was able to speak this morning without having to stop and blow my nose!