Lessons from the October Blues

I realized after I wrote my October Blues post last week, that I had made a promise to you all that I wasn’t sure I could keep.

After spilling my guts about my frustrations with the firing of one of our pastors and my decision to confront church leaders on what I saw as a real failure to communicate in an honest, real and respectful way, I promised to share with you all what I had learned through the process.

To be honest, I feel a bit like I led you on. You see, from reading your blogs (my bloggie friends) and to most people in the world, if I make a list of the things I learned through this process, there will likely be the collective uttering of, “Duh!” in the blogosphere. The things I would share would probably be concepts that many of you learned long ago and you might wonder, “Sheesh! Does this gal live in the real world?”

Well, yes, I do live in the real world, and I probably knew many of these lessons before this experience but, like a lot of life’s lessons, and certainly the ones that God seems intent on teaching me in my life, I often need the remedial classes to really “get it”.

So here’s a few thoughts on what I learned/re-learned through this process:

Lesson #1 - It’s really hard to go against the grain of your personality, even when you know it’s a good thing. I think about this with people who suffer abuse or addictions. It’s so easy for those of us who are not living in that world to throw solutions their way, “Just leave him. You don’t deserve that. Just don’t smoke that. Just say no.” Easy. Makes sense. A no-brainer, right? But if your history, your life story wasn’t written that way, if your soul and being aren’t wired that way, it’s not that easy. I would say that my life story, my heart, my soul, my desire and drive in all I do is that everyone would just get along and we avoid conflict at all cost. I grew up in a home where I heard my parents raise their voices to one another – oh, let me see – maybe 4 times in 18 years. Now, I’m not naïve, I know they fought, they just never did it in front of us. My story is one of always seeking to have everyone just “get along”. Raised voices are like fingernails on a chalk-board. I hate conflict.

I knew I needed to express my disappointment and frustration with the events going on at my church, but it was like scaling a craggy, dangerous mountain to get beyond the thoughts of, “You’ll be labeled – troublemaker, complainer, divisive,” even knowing that I had a legitimate base for my concerns. There was fear of damaging relationships with people that I love and consider family. There was fear that I would be misunderstood, judged, demeaned or criticized behind my back. All things that may not intimidate stronger, more outspoken people, but things that sounded worse than a physical beating to me.

So, with strength and determination that came from my heavenly Father, my husband and I believe from the great lessons and months of support of my bloggin’ tribe, I moved forward in spite of the fears and insecurities. The lesson? It was hard, the outcome wasn’t what I really wanted , but I know in my heart that it was the right thing to do. I have no regrets and I know the next time will come just a bit easier with the seeds of courage that were sown through this experience.

Lesson #2 - I learned that I need to make sure that I raise my children to trust themselves and not be crippled by fear when they need to speak up, take a stand, or ask the important questions. Recently, my daughter was having some struggles with one of her soccer teammates getting quite critical and bossy with her during the games. I could see that N. was getting flustered and upset by the constant badgering. The mama bear in me wanted to roar and tell this bully to leave her alone, but the voice of experience (and maybe wisdom?) said, “Let her work this one out on her own.” I want my children to be peacemakers and examples of humility and service as I believe we are called to be, but I don’t want them to be doormats. Because of my personality and my upbringing, I need to be more intentional about encouraging them to stand up for them selves.

Lesson #3 – Even though you are incredibly passionate and convicted that your point of view is right and correct the powers that be, may not agree. If you read my first post, you know that my concerns didn’t get my pastor his job back (not that I was really expecting this). The frustrating thing now, is that even though it’s been over a month since I turned in my letters, no policies or procedures have changed to prevent the communication gaps from happening in the future. I had three meetings with the three “big dogs” of the church, but there’s been no actions taken in response to my concerns. I’m struggling a bit with the whole, “Well, that was a waste of time!” response. I KNOW it wasn’t a waste of time to write the letters and have the meetings, but it FEELS a bit like a waste of time at this point. I know it’s important though to speak up so that when they are ready to listen, there is a voice to be heard instead of just silence.

Lesson #4 - There is a big difference between being heard and being understood. I think this is a lesson I can use as a wife, as a parent and as a friend. How easily do I slip into the patterns of, “Just hear them out so they will go away.” I’m not implying that this is what the pastors did to me, just saying that if I had multiple folks coming to me with complaints this would be an easy pattern to slip into.

Lesson #5 – Relationships are hard. (Here’s where you all say, “Duh!”) Even the ones with those who share the same tenants of faith that you do. I’m so grateful for my church family, and yeah – I feel a bit betrayed, stung, hurt and angry about this whole situation, and it would be easy to cut and run to the shiny, pretty church down the street and start over with a whole new family, but - I’ve made a commitment to these people. They have heavily invested in my life, my husband’s life, my children’s lives, as I have invested in theirs, and I’m in it for the long haul. Just like a marriage – we will have tough times, we won’t always get along, there will be times when I want to wring their necks until their eyeballs pop out of their head because I feel like they just DON”T GET IT. But I love them. They are my dysfunctional, imperfect, geeky, frustrating, brothers and sisters and we are all so blessed that we share a faith in a God who can love us in spite of all of the crap in our lives. If the Mighty God, Creator of the Universe can put up with them and love them, why shouldn’t I?

Well friends, hope that didn’t sound too preachy or sappy (listen to me, can’t even share my own lessons without a disclaimer so no one is offended). I wish I could have just a bit of the salt and vinegar that runs through the veins of my blogie friend, Amber. Then I would be able to tell you, those are the lessons I learned and if you don’t like them, you can go to . . . Oh, there’s another lesson – next time, have Amber ghost write my letter for me!

Blessings all!