The Fear Factor

Fear. It's one of those things that we all must deal with in our lives. Today I was watching daytime t.v. while filing and clearing the mighty mess called my desk. Tyra Banks' show today was all about facing your fears. It started with Tyra trying to face her screeching, hyperventalating, hand waving fear of - dolphins. What in the world? I have NEVER heard of anyone being afraid of these delicate, lovely, intelligent sea creatures. What happened to bugs, rats, snakes and the like? Dolphins? OK, in all fairness, she really did seemed freaked out as they filmed her at Sea World trying to get in the dolphin tank and work up the courage to touch the tail of one of these terrifying beasts (groan). Next up to bat was a young woman with a fear of pennies. You know, Honest Abe, copper colored units of currency - pennies! Tyra buried a $6,000 watch in an aquarium of pennies and challenged the young woman to reach in and grab it. You would have thought it was a tank of pirahnas the way that young gal suspiciously eyed the thousands of pennies and only after the soothing talk of Tyra and a psychologist, could this young gal put a few fingers in to gently scrape pennies to the side until she found her treasure.

While it made for some entertaining watching this morning, it got me to thinking about fears. How is it that we can be crippled by something that others can look at and say, "There's really nothing there to be afraid of." Think of the pennies. They can't hurt you, they are inanimate objects, they can't even move unless someone moves them. And yet, this woman's life was affected by this fear because pennies are a part of everyday life! Fear can stop us cold, even if it's the irrational kind.

I remember having a conversation with a friend about a year ago, sharing with her what would be a "dream job". I had always loved writing in school and had done well in all kinds of projects, but had never really found a way to use that skill and passion beyond school. Sadly, most of my jobs had very limited outlets for this skill and that part of me seemed to go into hibernation, deep in my soul. When she asked me what was keeping me from finding a way either through work or ministry to use that gift/skill/passion, the answer was easy. Fear. A totally irrational, unsubstantiated fear that anyone that would look at my work would instantly double over in pain and shout, "MY EYES! MY EYES! THEY BURN! - Take that filth away!" Or worse yet, they would shrug their shoulders and say, "Hmm, that's interesting." And I'd be left with the gnawing feeling wondering, "Did they like it? Did they hate it?" Totally irrational - I know I can write a decent sentence or two. I know I have the skills to tell a story or make an argument on a page. I know I have the grammar know-how to string words and punctuation together and have them make sense. I know all this, and yet, the fear is still there. Not just "there", but seeped into the deepest core of me and crevices of my being. Like an unwanted stain on my favorite blouse, something that I just couldn't get out.

Until about a year ago. I know you all don't share my beliefs, but I hope you'll bear with me as I share what I consider a miracle. God has worked in his tender way to force me to put my hand in the pennies so to speak. I was given the dream assignment of writing a devotional guide for our ministry that sends workers into the poorest parts of the world to provide humanitarian aid and training to those that seek futures free from despair and poverty. I wrote with passion and joy as I saw my gifts being used in a way that honored my God and my brothers and sisters who were serving Him. I was so blessed by positive comments from people I really respected including a co-worker that I knew did not have "b.s." gene in his body and would give it to me straight if it stunk. I still have the post-it-note with his very complimentary comments on it and look at it when I need a boost. I took a class two weeks ago to work on my writing skills and was blessed again by confirmations from the very well known and published professor that I "have a gift" for this and should pursue this on to another level. Wow! God is so good to give us what we need to overcome those fears!

And then there is all of my new bloging friends. Your comments are like manna from heaven on days when my self-esteem is hungry for food. Your stories inspire me, motivate me and challenge me to do things I wouldn't have considered a year ago. And I have learned so much about being honest and real and transparent. Honesty has a way of knocking Fear off his feet and allowing us the chance to kick him off the path and move forward with our lives. You all have taught me that there is hurt and healing and forgiveness and humor and love and blessings and bitterness and joy and so much more out there - and it needs to be shared. And words are such a beautiful vehicle for sharing it. And so, I won't let the fear win. I will keep writing. I will put my hand in the pennies and pull out the treasure. I hope you will, too.